I Have Nothing
by andthecosmogirl
Summary: She truthfully wasn't sure what to say, part of her wanted to tell him that it was okay. Instead she just looked at him point blank and retorted, "What will help is for you to leave me alone like you normally do. Don't you have laptops to steal?" EmmaSean Set after 'Our House' in s3.
1. The Diary

Chapter One

The Diary

'...I can never forget how we ended on such bad terms with that fight, and then he left my heart bleeding in his hands as I crumbled my photograph meant for him. It sucks how it haunts me to see him every day,' Emma writes in her bright red diary with a pen as she takes a sip of Jack Daniels straight from the bottle. She sighs and then finishes, 'he was so not who I thought he was.' She almost had half the mind to tear out the entry crumble it into the trashcan like she did that photograph.

This was how Emma spent most weeknights in the basement bedroom getting plastered and writing her thoughts in a diary. Emma's depressed about how her life went from normal to abnormal in the course of three months. By November she was single, her friendship with Manny had collapsed and her step-fathers health had took a turn for the worse leaving her family life in the wreckage. She feels underappreciated. What she doesn't say she writes. She drinks to cope with the emotional toll and fall out. She had never felt more alone.

She heard a voice call out, it was her mother's, "Emma," She called down the basement where she had been banished to since the summer. Her mother sounded tired but she was going out anyway she just knew it, "I'm going back to the hospital with Joey to see Snake. I put Jack to bed but keep an ear out on him?"

Emma put on her mask voice, the voice where she pretended everything was fine, "Alright mom, what time will you be home?"

"I don't know honey, love you."

"Love you too."

And then she was gone. Emma sighed and took another swig from the bottle, the bitterness of the taste had faded and she no longer made that face. She didn't feel a thing. Ever since Snake was diagnosed, Emma's been fading away and her grades have been slipping. While he's holding on to life, Emmas just about given up. It was more than just a break up when Sean said those words that stung her to her core and even though she just fought back in anger in the process he broke her heart.

X -

It was morning and Emma waltzed in through the halls, water bottle full of whatever was in the liquor cabinet in hand, ready for a day at Degrassi. She looked like death, hair thrown up in a ponytail, yesterday's makeup as if she had forgotten to care. She overslept. She threw on a black t shirt and a pair of black sweatpants and busted through the doors at school and once again she was late for homeroom.

The office secretary warned her, "If you get another late, you'll have a Saturday school." Whatever, who cares. She knew this wasn't like her, she lied and said it'll never happen again as she took the yellow late slip from her hands. She knew it probably would happen again. Maybe then she'd have an excuse to see him again but she knew she'd only push him away. Boy is she a glutton for punishment.

She arrived at Ms. Hatzilakos' room, just as the bell to let out homeroom rings she rolled her eyes as she saw people leaving. She retreated to her locker and from a across the hall there she saw Sean Cameron and for a split second he looked her way as he adjusted his too big for him earphones before trudging the halls to shop class which once upon a time they'd walk together.

She quickly diverted her eyes back to her locker. It still hurt her to see him and he moved on with a girl named Amy and then onto Ellie so why does she still care? It's complicated. She grabbed whatever books she needed for the morning and put the ones from last night in the locker. She looked in the mirror and sighed sardonically at her appearance she could feel the whispers behind her back about it. She took a sip from her water bottle filled with vodka. Nobody knew she was drinking and she doesn't do it to get messed up like most people her age do. It just helps her relax so she says. Since all she has is herself, she guards that secret close to her in fear that no one would understand her. She could clean up at anytime, she's in control. If anything, it's a phase or a coping mechanism. She can stop when she chooses and this time she simply chooses not to stop. It makes her happy and quite frankly to her, happiness never tasted so sweet.

She slammed the locker shut and then started walking but she ended up colliding with Sean's ex girlfriend Amy, Sean's rebound for me before he started dating Ellie. Instead of being cruel she just said, "It's okay I wasn't watching where I was going."

She genuinely laughs for the first time in awhile and shrugs her shoulders uncomfortably, "Neither was I."

As their books got mismatched in the hall they sorted them out and went on their way to Kwan's english class. Emma hands Amy the books that belong to her and she beamed, "Thanks, Emily."

She ignored the fact she didn't know her name, just mumbled, "Don't mention it."

Emma and Amy both walk into the classroom, late. Late wasn't like Emma and Kwan knew it.

The teacher finished her statement, "...And Emma will be paired with Amy." As the girls walk past her, she whispers in Emma's general direction, "see me after class."

When she wasn't facing Kwan she rolled her eyes as Amy and Emma moved their seats to the back of the classroom where they'd be working together. "So we meet again." Amy remarks as she takes a notebook out of her purse.

"Yeah guess so." Emma answered not really sure what to say to the girl seated across from her. All in all she wasn't fond of her. Sean looked over from his seat at the two girls and then back to face his partner, Liberty Emma noticed this and then looked back at Amy.

Amy broke the ice a bit with an assumption, "I know what you're thinking right? I'm sure everybody's heard but I'm fine."

"Say what?" Emma asked confused she wasn't paying much attention but she also rather be anywhere but there. She knew by working with Amy she would have to do all the work so she was somewhat annoyed.

"Sean's big party, our break up it's whatever but I'm fine." And then she dramatically gasped, "Oh God you didn't know?"

Emma shrugged with confusion and laughed nervously while opening up her notebook, "I don't really pay attention."

"Anyway I drank a bit too much and had to be hospitalized, but you know now you know."

Emma shrugged her shoulders, that feeling felt all too close to home. "Well you're alright, that's good right?"

"I guess."

"So about this project, what should we write about?" Emma asked.

X -

Emma decided to skip her next class and chill out in the gym while the niners were having their gym class by the bleachers. She was lost in the music listening to her portable cd player and writing in her diary every few moments she'd sip her drink and then she felt a shadow standing above her, she looked up at him and didn't say a word. What could she say?

Instead, Emma asked sardonically with a sigh. "What do you want?"

"I just wanted you to know I'm a little concerned about you."

She scoffed in response, "You haven't talked to me in months and now you're concerned?"

"I mean," He lied sort of changing the subject, "MI's been pretty shitty since Simpson left." Emma didn't say anything with downcast eyes, he hit a nerve. Sean finally sat on the bleacher edge beside her. She swallowed hard. "It's just you're not the same since..." He trailed off because he didn't want to explicitly say, "I don't know. You just haven't been yourself."

"Why do you care?" Emma asked looking at him sternly.

He was silent for a few moments before making eye contact with her again looking at her noticing the dark circles and yesterday's eyeliner smudged around her chocolate colored eyes, "Em," He lingered there for a moment and a part of her remembered him and who he used to be and is no longer, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"For what?" She played dumb.

"For you know, how things ended for real this time. I know haven't been the nicest to you but I don't know, I just don't want to see you going down a bad path."

"Excuse me but Sean, but I assure you I'm absolutely fine."

"No you're not." He argued but she shook her head, he finally was more bold, "You think I don't notice? I've lived with alcoholics." He knew that smell he could smell the whiskey on her and he wasn't even all that close to her in proximity.

In denial she laughed it off, "I don't know what you're talking about." Sean leaned over and grabbed the bottle from her, but in response she jerked it back defiantly with gritted teeth careful not to attract attention to herself, "I'm fine."

He shook his head he was serious about this, the concern was real, "I want to help you but you're making it really hard."

She truthfully wasn't sure what to say, part of her wanted to tell him that it was okay. Instead she just looked at him point blank and retorted, "What will help is for you to leave me alone like you normally do. Don't you have laptops to steal?"

His feelings were somewhat hurt. He didn't say anything. He figured to himself that the damage was done. He had hurt her and this feeling of worry was only the tip of the iceberg for what he feels for her. Sean almost wanted to deny it again, but he couldn't lie to her. Instead he just said nothing.

He didn't move so she decided she would. As she absentmindedly scrambled to pick up her bag her diary slipped out, "That's what I thought." she muttered as she walked away from to go, well who knows where? She hadn't decided yet but she knew she didn't want to speak to him.

He almost called out to her that she had left something behind, but instead he picked it up once she left the room. It was a little red notebook. He had shop class but he decided to skip the rest of the day. He tossed it in his book bag and went home. He knew that ultimately Mr. Elh would give him shit for cutting class but he was sidetracked and he couldn't help it.

When he arrived home he read through what looked to be a diary. It was a tiny thick moleskin notebook with a red leather cover binding. He bit his lip in anticipation to read her thoughts, in his hands he had the inner workings of the girl he left behind. He opened the first page it was dated October 15th 2003 it took the entire page but it said:

"I HATE HIM!" "It had a frowning face and it was as if it was scrawled on the page in anger. He could tell by the pen strokes it was deep, it was sloppy and didn't appear like her previous neat penmanship. He knew that day, it was the day they fought ultimately leading to them splitting up for good.

The next page he turned to, she went in depth, she talked about the break up the fall out how she feels about him and more. It hurt to read her scathing tell all, the angst, the heartbreak, the anger and pain. What she fails to include was how he was hurting too. She talked about all about how she had tried, that he didn't understand her sacrifices in the relationship, how she cried herself to sleep, how the last page was a lie she doesn't hate him. In fact quite the opposite. It detailed their break up but the last paragraph really got him this part of the entry really hurt to read,

"Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? I lied last page I don't hate him, in fact I love him and a part of me believes no matter what I say or what I do I always will. Loved the kid since I was like 12. Since the very moment we crossed paths. Even when I pretended to hate his guts last year. Even when I had that ridiculous crush on Craig. And it's tragic as anything because he'll never know. I'll be nothing to him, years from now when we're all grown up and shit he likely won't remember me. I'll always remember how hard it was to get over this but he just threw me away. I could never do that to him, to anybody. Fuck it I'll be lucky if I make it through the year. He was my first everything and now everything is fucking tainted. I hate this. When will it get better?"

He shut the book and just looked at it. He couldn't read anymore. However the suspense is killing him. He knew he had really fucked it all to hell this time.

Why should he be sad though? He had Ellie, right? In the past few weeks he realized what an undertaking it was because he's always taking care of her. She's not self sufficient, they had things in common but Ellie has zero coping skills. He has to carry her on his back, he has to carry her burdens because she refuses to. He got a text, it was from Ellie and again, her mom got drunk and they had a fight. Then the second text he could almost predict, "Can I come over?"

He reluctantly texts back even though it's the last thing he wants, "Sure." Sean quickly stuffed the diary in a drawer.

The auburn haired girl came to the door with an umbrella and a black ensemble to match. She looked distressed. That's what she was so it seemed, she had that rough exterior to her but in actuality she was just a damsel in distress to him. She'd hand him her shit and he'd have to work with it. He simply put up with it. Sometimes Ellie would remind himself of his mother. She'd want to stop drinking, but she'd always find herself back on the wagon when his father pissed her off enough. And Ellie when provoked by her mother would delve into bad habits too.

"Ugh, I'm so glad to see you baby." Ellie pulled him into a hug and kissed him but Sean was notably sidetracked.

"What happened with your mom?" Sean predicted before she even said anything.

"She was saying some pretty awful shit about dad abandoning us, she is assuming the worst in her stupor she neglects to realize he still is supporting us and everything. I had this urge to cut in my room but I called you instead."

Sean moved the couch and nodded in understanding, "You can stay the night. I'll take the couch." He told her before adding, "We'll check on your mom in the morning to make sure she -"

"I put her bed before I left. She passed out on the couch I put a blanket on her but she'll probably wake up again and drink some more and be up in the morning." Ellie walked toward the couch looked at Sean and grimaced, "Thanks, I know this isn't easy for you."

Sean's mind suddenly thought about _that_ day, it was the day he and Emma went to the ravine with the SITE club to clean it. They stopped for a spell to talk. She smiled at him, she gave him some water and she told him, "Thanks for coming, I know this isn't your idea of fun." He then remembers what happened next, suddenly he was awoken from the day dream by Ellie calling his name, "Sean!"

"What?" He asked before making an excuse to why he's sidetracked, "I guess I'm pretty tired."

"I'm just saying you know it's just us. Why don't we share the bed tonight?"

"No, it's okay I'll take the couch." He tells her while not even looking at her. Ellie shakes her head then retreats to the bedroom without a word, he knew she was upset but she was the last person he wanted to be in his company that night. Sean set up his bedding on the couch first he put down a sheet, second he adjusted the pillow before lying down and throwing his gray blanket on top of him. He was uncomfortable at first. He wasn't ready for bed. He kept staring at the side table where he had stashed the journal as he was anxious to read more. Finally he just mutters, "Fuck it." He takes his pack of cigarettes from his pocket with his lighter and takes out Emma's red journal. He plucks out a cigarette and silently goes out front to smoke. He looks at the red moleskine cover and shakes his head and realized he shouldn't be doing this. He decided was going to return the diary to her whenever he sees her tomorrow.


	2. Breakups and Babies

Chapter Two

Breakups and Babies

Sean wakes up to the smell of coffee permeating through the small apartment. He looks over and sees Ellie poking with a spoon at her cereal at the bar of the kitchen, her other hand propping up her head. He walks over and sits beside her careful not to break the old chairs that Tracker never fixed when he was still living there. "Morning," She whispered as she looked at him, she looked as if she wanted to say something and finally she just blurted out, "do you love me anymore?"

"Of course I do." He mumbled less convinced of it himself. She wasn't convinced so he reiterated, "El, of course I love you."

"I feel like a burden."

"I'm sorry if I made you feel that way I've just been sidetracked."

"You can talk to me, it goes both ways you know, Sean."

"Maybe it's not that simple because it's not any your business and maybe I don't want to talk about it."

"I was just trying to help." Ellie seethed as she tossed her half-eaten cereal in the sink without washing the bowl which gets under his skin, "going to school."

Finally he was just plain tired, tired of being her protector, tired of feeling taken advantage of and just tired of Ellie and her crap. Sean just mumbled, "I think we need to talk."

Ellie had picked up her backpack and turned around to face him again, "What do you need to talk about?"

"I think honestly we need to spend some time apart."

"Sean, if it's about the dishes I'll clean them after school but now we're gonna be late."

"It's not about the dishes." He says adamantly, "it's just we need time apart."

"Are you breaking up with me?" He didn't say a word, she simply asked, "Why?"

"I just don't think it's going to work out you know, in the long run."

Ellie put on her bag and hid her hurt and walked out the door but before she just stood in the doorway and said, "I'm sorry for whatever I did."

Sean wanted to tell her that cliched statement 'its not you, it's me' but he was still somewhat angry about it all. Ellie was always leaning on him, confiding in him, and for while he was alright with it because of his hero complex but deep down he felt used and he had other things on his mind albeit for a while he's had someone else on his mind, on his conscience that he had let down. It wasn't just about the diary or yesterday. Emma was the first person who tried to understand him and was successful at cracking his core. He never wanted to let her down because she never let him down. He knew Ellie wasn't going to be the last person he let down but he had at least wanted to make things right with the girl he thought who never deserved any of it in the first place. With Ellie he felt they moved too quick, suddenly they were practically living together and when she knew she could flock to Sean's when things got shitty, she capitalized on it. Sean knew deep down, he was never going to be enough of a safe haven for Ellie or that he was a little bit more than that. He knew he wasn't in love with her and he knew he had made a great mistake in mistaking Ellie for someone he could truly fall in love with and he'd never make that mistake again.

Sean leaned against his locker before homeroom listening to loud music on his earphones deep in thought. He noticed a familiar face though, Amy his ex-girlfriend standing in front of him but he couldn't make out what she was saying at first, he moved his earphones to his neck as she called out, "Can we talk?"

"Sure." He replies crossing his arms, "what do you want?"

Everyone was busy and preoccupied at their lockers with the daily chatter and he shrugged his shoulders as she told him, "Look I'm okay with you and vampire if that's what you're worried about."

He was humored that the rumor mill hadn't already started because this morning that became a moot topic. Sean shrugged uncomfortably, "And?"

"Do you remember like two months ago when we went to that drive-in movie?"

He remembered, it was the last time he was with Amy before they broke up. It was a date. They didn't really watch the movie if he remembered correctly. "Why?"

"Last month I uh didn't get my period but this month I'm late I should've gotten it on the second week of the month but -"

"But what?"

"I'm pregnant! I took a test because was panicking and getting weird symptoms a-and I'm really really scared my dad and my sister are going to kill me."

He tried to hide his surprise and horror and stood stone faced, "Well I can tell you right now it can't be mine."

"Sean, you were the last guy I was with." Amy shook her head in disbelief at what she was hearing, "I mean I tried to _even_ get you back but I wasn't like with anyone else after that."

"I honestly don't believe you. Everyone knows you're just like your sister."

"What? I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that just now." Amy was in disbelief, "why can't you just do the right thing?"

"And what is the right thing?"

"Help me out, don't deny and lie! I mean it's yours too!"

"Keep it down!" Sean tried to sush her by standing in front of her. "Lower your voice." He distractedly looked over his shoulder uncomfortably.

"Oh . . . I get it. You don't want anybody to know, huh?" Amy knew he was a lost cause, "got your wish. Don't talk to me, okay? Don't ask about it, don't tell anyone, don't ask anybody about me. You don't have to be a part of this at all."

"Amy wait -" She was gone.

Sean didn't know what to do. Suddenly he was saddled with enormous responsibilities beyond him with a girl he hardly knows.

-x-

Emma was sitting alone at lunch, she had dug in her bag looking for her diary she felt a bit dizzy from day drinking but she thought she knew for a fact she had it. For lunch she ate a pretzel that she was kind of picking at while observing everything. She noticed Amy walking toward her at lunch, she heard other boys snickering at her and whispering about her. Amy wasn't really well-liked at Degrassi, a lot of people liked to start rumors about her because she supposedly slept around and they didn't like her sister for whatever reason. "Is this seat taken?"

Emma shook her head no, "Yeah of course you can sit here."

"Thanks." Amy uncomfortably tucked her hair behind her ear as she took the seat across from her. She took out a brown paper bag with a sandwich and a coke.

"You weren't in english this morning, remember that writing project?"

"I'm sorry, I was - dealing with my sister this morning." Amy lied but Emma was none the wiser to call her out, instead Amy spent the morning after telling Sean she's pregnant and then crying and being sick in the bathroom. Her new friend didn't need to know those details and she didn't question it either.

"It's not due till next week so we have time." Emma offered her a friendly smile before looking back down at her bag sidetracked as to where her diary might've gone.

"Speaking of due dates, the problem with my sister is she's kind of knocked up."

"Congratulations?" Emma offered raising an eyebrow.

"I wish it were that simple. Her baby daddy sort of peaced out so it's just me, my sister, her infant and my dad in our tiny little trailer."

"Oh." Emma didn't really need or want the lodown on her english partner but she got it anyway.

"It's whatever, anyway so what should we even write about for our project?"

"I wasn't paying much attention in english to tell you the truth, so maybe we can talk about it now?"

"Are you alright, Nelson? You seem a little off."

"What? Me? I'm fine." Emma answered.

"I promise I'll be in class tomorrow and we'll talk then. I'm not really in the school mood."

"Likewise." Emma replied.

"So about you sis, does she go here?"

"She used to until she got pregnant by this guy and he sorta took off."

"That sucks, my mom was a teen when she got pregnant with me." Emma answered, "she stayed in school though."

"Emma, what are her options exactly?" Amy asked, "we didn't expect her to have another baby we're like barely scraping by."

"It's honestly different for every girl." Emma sighed, "I know that I wouldn't be here if my mother decided to get an abortion so I tend to think about it that way for myself."

Amy thought for a moment before the bell rang, Emma immediately stood up and got ready to leave, "See you Amy, I hope everything works out with her. Keep me posted and english tomorrow right?"

"Right!" Amy answered as she went the opposite direction to class careful not to run into Sean.

X -

After school Emma went jogging in the park. After drinking most of the day though she had passed out and fallen asleep on a bench by the ravine. Sean was walking through the park and noticed Emma lying there asleep slumped over a bench. It had started to rain and she was drenched. Sean didn't live far from the park and so he lifted her and carried her seemingly lifeless body to his house to get her safe and dry.

He wrapped her in blankets once there and let her sleep. It was obvious she had been drinking but Sean worried about someone on their way to a party like a ravine dweller would take advantage of her. Sean knew all too well about those ravine parties.

He was experienced in taking care of people who were drunk between his parents and Ellie's mom he knew pretty much what to do. He had a glass of water and a turkey and cheese sandwich made on the coffee table by the couch. He just let her sleep things off and if she got hungry or thirsty she had something. Sean watched her as she slept for a moment before turning around to the kitchen table to do his homework.

About a half hour later, she slowly fluttered her eyes open and looked around. She was somewhere familiar she thought back to the previous summer.

And then she saw Sean, "What am I doing here?"

He ran to her quickly as he said, "You're okay, good."

"I'm indestructible." She said with a smirk.

"This isn't funny. You were alone at Bennett Park passed out, god knows what could've happened to you -" Sean stopped and then reiterated, "if something would've happened to you I don't know what I'd do. It scared me."

"Like I said yesterday, I'm fine. I was just relaxing."

"I know you're you're not fine because you wouldn't be getting plastered at school or after school. It doesn't look fine to me." Sean hated seeing her in such deep of a denial not when he knew her problems sat with him even if he didn't read through everything, "Maybe I should talk to Sauve about this o-or better yet your mom - -"

"You breathe a word about my issues and I'll make you regret it. My parents have enough to worry about between the cancer, Jack being an infant they have more to worry about than me. I'm fine."

"I'm sorry if I crossed the line but don't be stupid Emma, they care about you it's just there's probably a lot going on and that's the way it has to be for now."

"I tried to be strong for everybody you know? I've done so much for them. They're never even home anymore, Snake's got chemo, my mom is always going to the hospital to see him and I'm always in the house looking after Jack because Snake's so sick. It breaks my heart. What if we lose him?"

"They caught it early he should recover. I remember you told me when he started chemo he will have good and bad days. That things will start out bad and get better."

"It's been bad for awhile now." Emma sighed with exhaustion. She was nearing tears, "I'm sick of hearing bad news I would love to hear good news. They're never even home anymore. When they are they always talk about his worsening condition and it's all so frightening."

Sean didn't know what to say so he just nodded. She cupped her face in her hands and just cried. "I'm scared. I wish I had a time machine y'know go back to when things didn't hurt anymore and then stay there." Sean didn't know what else to do so he just pulled her into a hug. He half expected her to resist but instead she hugged him back and just cried into his chest.

He whispered in her ear as he felt her press her damp clothes against him, "Don't be scared, okay? I'm here."

"What happened to you?" Emma pulled from the hug looking him in the eye, "I mean, what about your friends?"

"What about them?"

"I don't know I just felt like you chose them over me and now you're saying that you're here, y'kno? I know this is a fleeting moment, tomorrow will just be -"

"Em, I told you I was sorry yesterday." he said before going in the side table drawer, "and then when you stormed off I found this. I didn't read it."

"My diary!" she hugged it close to her, "I've been looking for this. And you better not read this."

"What do you write in there anyway?"

"Hexes and spells."

"So you're a wiccan now?"

"No not at all! I was just kidding."

Sean then told her, "You can stay for dinner if you want. I made you a sandwich."

"Sure." Emma picked up the sandwich plate from the coffee table and brought it to Sean's sitting on the kitchen island and they ate together for the first time in a long time.


	3. Plans for Disaster

Author's Note - Wow thank-you so much for the feedback. I do plan to update backtrack in the near future so fear not if you like that story. Just so we're clear for the sake of this story yes I had wrote the original fanfiction a long (more than 10 years ago) so that's some time ago and I revised it so if the story seems familiar its going to be a bit different from its predeccessor.

Just a heads up, this chapter will be shorter than the last two but fear not updates will come. So big thank yous are in order so thank you and keep reviewing it keeps me motivated to keep going!

Chapter 3

Plans for Disaster

"Is everything good at home with your sister?"

"As good as to be expected, for now. Dad still doesn't know." Amy answered sidetracked. How was she going to keep up with the lie she told Emma. What she didn't know is Emma's lingering feelings for Sean that made an even stronger comeback over the past few days. Emma knew Sean wasn't the greatest topic to have even if it was among the few things the girls had in common.

"What else is new in your world?"

Emma was seated by Amy's locker doodling in her notebook as she spoke with Amy. It had been a few days and the two friends have hit it off. Amy had been to Emma's house to work on their big poetry project, they picked a topic teens in tragedy. They researched teen poets in various media and wrote a column and Amy did the powerpoint of all their research thus far. The pair are very proud of their work. However this morning before homeroom, Emma just talked to Amy. As she listened her vent as she put a book away on the top shelf she noticed Amy had her bellybutton pierced. "Nothing really new but who knows what tomorrow holds, huh?"

"I hear you, but hopefully things will get better."

"I honestly don't think they will but thanks."

"So did that hurt?" Emma asked gesturing to her belly button.

"Oh this?" Amy asked bashfully looking down at her stomach and her piercing with a little dangling butterfly in the ring. She chuckled with amusement, "Only for bit but it's worth it."

"I always wanted to get it done." Emma stated as she tore her attention away from her doodles.

"I can take you after school if you'd like. I'm friends with the piercer so you can get a discount."

"Sounds cool, I'm in." Emma beamed, "hopefully I can catch my mom before she goes to the hospital and takes Jack to daycare."

"You surprised me Nelson, I didn't think you were this metal."

"I'm sure there's lots of things you don't know about me, but all in all I'm glad we're friends."

"Same here, it's nice to have friends. Look I gotta jet my homeroom isn't in this hall." Amy slammed her locker shut but added quickly before leaving, "see you at lunchtime."

"Bye." Emma beamed before turning around to see none other than Sean Cameron behind her walking in her direction.

The other day they had broken some ground and even though they weren't romantically involved they were cool with one another. Emma stood up and shut her locker. Before she said anything he asked her, "Since when do you hang out with Amy?"

"Oh we're working on a project together." Emma answered before adding, "and besides she's a pretty cool girl and she's been really nice to me."

"That girl has problems if you catch my drift."

"As do I and for some ungodly reason you still seem to want to hang out with me." She teased as they walked into their homeroom together, "so what if she's got issues? In this day and age everyone has problems."

"It's just different and besides she's best friends with Alex Nunez I heard about that fight."

Emma snickered with false bravado, "And?"

"I'm just looking out for you."

"Whatever, Sean I'll be fine." Emma beamed shaking her head as she sat down at her desk, "Amy is taking me to get my bellybutton pierced after school."

"That sounds pretty hot if you ask me."

"What part?"

"You getting pierced, what's next a new haircut or getting inked?"

"Neither, I don't want to scare my parents _that_ bad!"

As the rest of the class entered the room Ms. Hatzilakos took roll call Emma and Sean managed to sneak silent glances in every few moments of homeroom. She thought to herself, _what does this mean? I guess I'm back on Sean Cameron's radar._

Deep down inside, Sean was afraid and even if Emma doesn't know when she eventually finds out about Amy's secret he'll be lucky if Emma ever speaks to him again. He was already uncomfortable with the idea of Amy and Emma hanging out because Amy and Emma were his ex girlfriends but he also finds himself still very much drawn to Emma too. Amy might be the reason why it all will crumble no matter how strong Sean and Emma's feelings may be.


	4. Brian

Chapter 4

Brian

After school, Emma was quickly able to get the release signed for her piercing and she and Amy walked from school to the mall which was about a stone's throw from The Dot. The two girls sat on brown benches outside the piercing place waiting to be helped. A charming guy with gauges in his ears kept looking her way, "Look how cute he is."

"You should talk to him." Amy beamed as she read through the magazines that were available.

"He looks busy and besides, he is looking over here."

"He's totally looking at you," Amy looked up whispered, "Not my type, and I think it means he likes you."

"Oh please, I look like shit he's eyeing _you_ up or it's my turn."

"Well only one way to find out. I'll sit here."

Emma rolled her eyes at her friend before she walked up with her signed paper to the desk to sign the additional release forms and pick out rings. "Hi." Emma says as she finally gets to the desk, "I've never done this kind of thing before so what happens? I'm Emma."

"Hey." He smiled back, "Brian, nice to meet you. Can I see your papers?" Emma quickly hands them over, as he leafed through the papers he asked, "how do you know Amy?"

"School."

"Cool, she tell you I'm her cousin?"

"Nope."

"Well it's true." He flashed a winning smile, and then she realized who he was. He was a popular senior, football player and all the girls liked him and Emma was quite smitten. "Anyway I'll be doing your piercing. So come to the back." Flustered Emma took the papers that he handed to her.

"Amy are you coming or not?"

Amy dropped the magazine on the coffee table and walked in with them. Emma couldn't help but notice when Emma was distracted that Brian had wrote down his phone number for Emma. She was somewhat surprised when she saw it considering she's a niner. She kept that part to herself as she wordlessly gave Amy all her paperwork to hold as she laid back onto the chair.

"There will be some pressure that you'll feel and it should only hurt for about a second." Brian prepared the piercing equipment as Amy looked on. Emma looked at Amy nervously afraid to look. With her spare hand she grasped Emma's hand as Brian clamped her belly button and stuck the needle through. Emma gasped when it was all said and done, as he started removing his gloves he said, "and that's all."

"You're done? That's it?" Emma then looked down and admired his handy work.

"Yes."

"And I'll give you the family discount, free if you'll let me take you out say tomorrow it's Friday."

Emma blurted out without a single thought, "Of course."

"Great, what's a good time?"

"Eight?"

"Perfect, we'll talk later."

Once he left the room, Emma turned to Amy and beamed as she told her, "I have a date with Brian."

X -

Emma brushed her hair and actually got seriously dressed up for once. Dressed in a light pink cropped tank top that showed some tasteful midriff revealing her brand new piercing and a grey cardigan sweater some light wash jeans and curled hair, she felt pretty. For the first time things were going all right for her. I mean she had a new best friend, a cute guy spotted her at the mall, a plus that he was older could drive and was very sweet and to add to it had asked her out on a date. She figured Sean had moved on by now. She felt safe enough to be able to go for Brian. Emma's assumption is so far from the truth as Sean was so very much in love with Emma. In that moment, she honestly felt as though she had been pining for months and that time is over.

Unfortunately, the situation with her family has only worsened, her parents would come home at all hours of night from the long chemotherapy treatments and sessions with radiation and countless appointments. Weak from this the hospital has become his home. He was honestly, rapidly fading away and she has been the perpetual orphan in a sense with the fact that her mother, her step dad and Jack are pretty much almost never there. Most mornings Spike would come home take a shower and return the hospital, Jack is home less and less and Emma mostly has the house to herself. So she had to keep an ear out for Brian's knock.

She heard knocking on the door she slipped on white flats and answered the door, with a smirk, it was Brian. He had pink roses, about three of them in a bouquet with baby breaths, She called out from her vanity putting on some perfume, "Hey come on in."

As she came down the stairs Brian admired her as he stepped inside the house, "Wow Emma. You look gorgeous." He smelled heavenly as he leaned in to kiss her cheek before breaking away to say, "and these are for you." advancing the roses towards her.

"They are lovely. Thanks. Come with me to the kitchen so I could put them in some water."

"Alright." as he followed her in, he noticed the emptiness in the house she just knew it, "parents at work?"

Emma didn't want him to know the truth, she tried not to think about it, it also helped she wasn't facing him as she was looking for the vase in the cabinets. She didn't want to talk about keeping things light she simply replied, "Something like that."

She turned around and said, "I'm ready to go."

"Yeah, so I was thinking dinner and movie, or movie then dinner. What do you like?"

Emma couldn't help but remember her very own first date when he asked that. This shouldn't be happening a this moment considering she wanted to not think about Sean. She then shook her head and dismissed that thought, before answering, "How about movie, then dinner."

"Sounds good to me, let's go."

And so they walked to the movies, charming Brian just seemed to be the perfect date. She hadn't done anything clumsy either which was a definite plus, it was the most perfect date she had ever been on. Emma knew she hadn't been on many dates in the past, she was with Chris they had went to a few underage music clubs such as The Rave a few times when going out but she was never too much in the party mood and of course her dates with Sean including her first which this date had reminded her of or what she had hoped to of had. She wished they had went and saw the movie together, but she had to walk away instead.

"Emma?"

They were at dinner and she was zoned out thinking about other guys. She then looked up and shook her head, "Yeah?"

"You were zoned out. You alright?"

"Fine, I'm fine." Emma cracked a smile. Brian was a great date but every few minutes she'd find herself thinking about Sean and their relationship or their first date or other quirks in him.

"Good. It's still kind of early. . what do you want to do after this?"

"Well, there's a free show at Bennett Park."

A smile played on Brian's lips, "That would be nice."

As they walked they got better acquainted, and Emma felt alright to really talk to him. He seemed like a good person, someone who she could trust. For the first time besides with Amy, she was able to let someone in, "You asked if my parents were at work earlier. And I said something like that. Now that I know you're not a complete jerk I could tell you the truth."

"Good, Nelson. I want to know. You're a real cool girl. Seriously." Emma was enamored by that confession but he added, "so tell me do they work for the FBI or somethin'"

"Why thanks, you're not so bad yourself." Emma giggled, before speaking, "They are almost never home because well - they're always in the hospital. You see, my step-dad has cancer."

"I'm really sorry. Wait, you're the girl who is related to the media teacher Simpson, right?"

Emma nodded.

"He's a great guy. Sin what happened though."

"Yeah I know, I miss him. It's pretty sad to say someone who lives in your house you already miss." She started to well up a bit but stayed strong, "But yeah it's tough on everyone especially my mom. She never leaves him alone, she needs to learn to take care of herself more."

"It's hard when a loved one is going through that. My Mimsy had cancer and she didn't make it. I live by myself, she took me in when I was little, my parents were on drugs - so when she went away I was pretty much an orphan. It was hard at first, but I managed to adjust." Brian reached into his pocket and pulled out a carton and a lighter, "want a smoke?"

"Thanks." Emma against her better judgement took one and took the lighter from his palm after he lit one for himself. She felt better after smoking one, she never would smoke a lot. She admitted that she's smoked on occasion but so does Amy and since they hang out quite a bit she tends to pick up after her. "So what are your after high school plans?"

"Well I'm going to try to go to Smithdale, since I know Banting is out of the question."

"You don't know that."

"I really don't have the money, even the money my Mimsy gave to me, wouldn't be enough to pay for Banting. I want to study art, it's my way of coping with things. What do you do?"

"Write mostly. I keep a diary and sometimes I drink when I'm alone and I write poetry, I walk for awhile I was spending an awful lot of time alone. I'm better now."

"Don't sell yourself short, Bry. There's all kinds of scholarships so go for Banting anyway."

"Since you so have your priorities in order, what are your plans?"

Emma shrugged, "Not sure yet, it's early."

"You don't really seem your age, you're really mature and easy to talk to."

Emma smiled, "yeah?"

"Yeah. You know what else?"

He stopped and turned to face her, "What?"

"You're beautiful, you got the most beautiful smile, and a real cute laugh."

"What's with all the compliments?"

"It's been on my mind most of the night. Figure I say it now."

Emma giggled lightly, "Yeah?"

"Of course." Advancing closer stroking her soft face, tucking a piece of curled hair behind her ear as he leaned closer for a kiss. Emma returned the kiss as they stood together in the park kissing under the stars.


	5. Crestfallen

Chapter 5

Crestfallen

Monday morning Sean found out something he didn't want to know. Emma, the girl he had been pursuing had a date this past weekend and he feared for the worst. He knew Emma had been fast friends with Amy and he had suspected that she had spilled the beans to her to make Em think low of him. Sure, it was a stretch but he couldn't be too careless. Afterall, it was Emma he was talking about of all people he loved her after all and her opinion of him mattered, it always mattered. When they were younger he was always worried he wasn't good enough for her and then he'd talk self-sabotage onto himself. Then there was that glimmer of hope in the past week when he and Ellie broke up and he spent that day with Emma after rescuing her from the rain. He thought he had this opportunity with her, only for it to be nearly thwarted by this Brian fella and his ex girlfriend who also happened to be supposedly carrying his child, Amy.

He saw Amy walk in with Emma smiling and talking, they separated so Emma could go to her locker Amy walked into the direction of Sean who was waiting at her locker. He was on a mission to get something out of Amy about the weekend because she knew Emma likely told her everything. He had a scowl on his face and she just smirked, "What do you want? Want to be a daddy now?" She joked aggressively in a low voice careful that nobody but him heard.

"I know for sure not with you." Sean snarled, "I need to talk to you."

"Just letting you know, Sean. Emma went on a date with Brian Westing, a senior." Amy bragged beaming. "She said they had a wonderful time."

"I _already_ knew that and you're ruining the one chance I have with her."

"Me? I think you should be talking to Brian."

"Amy. . _you and that guy_." He had no time for Amy's games.

"Look Sean, it was your idea that one night if I do remember correctly. . ."

"Shut up, Amy."

"I'm sure Emma wouldn't like to find out the truth. I know whatever chance you thought she had would be pretty gone in a second when she finds out. All of a sudden its like you care."

"I know Emma and I know she cares a lot about a lot of things. I feel like you're just using her you know? Do you know what she likes or what she's passionate about? Probably not. And then I thought is that why you're friends with her? To blackmail me, make me look bad so you can get some weird sick revenge on me for not wanting to date you and you want to somehow trap me with this kid you apparently have? Amy you're ridiculous, Em's a nice girl, she doesn't hang out with people like you if you catch my drift, why you want to use her?"

"People like me?" Amy softened, it wasn't like that at all. She was then angered by that even more. "Why would you say something like that? You're the biggest jerk alive." Amy attempted to squeeze past him but he blocked her passage, "maybe because she's really cool, you made it seem like she was unlikable but she is the most understanding person alive. Maybe I _should_ tell her about all the things you used to say with Jay, then how much would she like you then? How could you fuck her over like that? You're the one saying I'm using her? You are the one who should be ashamed of yourself."

"Amy, you told her the truth. Didn't you?"

Amy shook her head and snickered spitefully, "You know what Sean? I don't have to tell her, I know I will have to eventually. I can't lie about a growing stomach and weird food cravings forever, she'll find out soon enough. Even when she does, I doubt she'd be looking to date you."

"What makes you say that? Unless you really did tell her. Why _else_ would she date Brian?"

"I didn't tell her, Sean. I'm of my word. Maybe she did a little thing called, moving on. Maybe it's something you should try, or maybe something called taking responsibility for your actions using a co-"

"Not so loud!" He shouted mildy, "well you going to get rid of it, right?"

"You said you wanted nothing to do with it. What is your sudden interest?"

"Amy, tell me. It's half-"

"It's not half of anything of yours. It's none of your business anymore. You said yourself - and you didn't want to man up." Amy shrugged, "whatever I do is my decision." Amy finally broke free from Sean's strong stance. Sean followed her tugging on her arm.

"Amy please you don't understand everything."

"I think I understand more than you know." Amy whipped around aggressively, "Leave me alone, get your hand off me, Sean. It's done and over with. Now it's my time to deal."

He let go but he stepped forward definitely, "No, I need to talk to you."

Amy sighed defeated going against her better judgement to hear him out, "So now Sean needs to talk to me? Why not last week when I told you? What now?"

"Amy," he sighed, "I mean you were fun and all. You were part of the group I was hangin' with you know? You just don't understand that Emma and I had this . . history and I was stupid to kiss it all goodbye. I realized a little after awhile I was with Ellie . . and I can't afford to lose her again and I made a mistake and I want her to still like me and I- I want to be with her. . . it just took me some time to realize a-a. . . "

"That just makes me feel a whole lot better." She rolled her eyes.

"I'm not finished." He muttered.

"Sean, I don't need to be told again that I was just. . . _somebody_. You need to be telling this to Emma. . and not me."

"I need to make you see. . "

"Look I see how it is. Honestly. I was just your rebound. I wasn't special and I know that." Amy stated. "Seriously, Sean, I gotta go to homeroom." She rolled her eyes as she finally walked away again, this time he didn't try to catch her. He hoped Emma didn't see the exchange.

"Fuck." He then kicked the locker next to him. Luckily it made no dent as he walked into the direction of Emma's homeroom.

Emma was still riding high from the date, she noticed her friend, because he was her friend at this time Sean was walking down the hallway she looked at him and smiled, "Hey, how was your weekend?"

"Good." Sean answered trying not to make his feelings known.

He didn't seem good and Emma new better but she tried to keep things light and polite. Emma inquired with a smile on her face. "That's good, what you do?"

"Eh a few things. Friday and Saturday Jay and me went to a junkyard then I worked on some cars with him then went to a car show on Sunday. Fun stuff nothing too too special." Before returning to how he truly feels, to skip the small talk he wanted to get serious. He sighed, "So I heard you went on a date."

"Yeah about that. Yeah." Emma told him, "who told you?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Sean . . I wanted to tell you in person."

"So why I was I the one to bring it up?"

"Want me to be honest?"

"As opposed to being dishonest?"

"I told you I was going to tell you. Anyway I'll keep this short since we're running late, I figure that you're moving on."

"Moving on?" Sean was crushed by her confession, he asked as if it was news to him. He was far from moving on. He couldn't believe she hadn't noticed. What about the night they shared when he had brought her out of the rain? What about how he listened to her cry, read her poems and entries about him. He dared not use those against her because he lied when he said he never read them. He was absolutely crushed and all of this was news to him. He had no one to really blame but himself, not Amy not Brian but himself.

"You act like it's news to you." Emma sighed as she attempted to make light, "Sean. . I spent a lot of time dealing with what happened in October between us, missing you and wanting to be with you and you were busy with Amy and then Ellie so I figure now it's my time to move on. . . and I mean Brian happened to come at a good time and he took the initiative and look I'm sorry but -."

"Em it is news to me. I-I wanted to try again."

"Sean . . " She bit her lip sadly. Emma thought of Sean while she was on the date and she was feeling a little guilty but she also was conflicted because Brian was a great date and she wanted to explore it and see where it goes.

"But you don't and that's okay." Sean sighed looking away. It wasn't okay.

"That's not it and you know it. I can't just sit around and wait for you, do you understand?"

"I know but you wouldn't even give me a chance?"

"I didn't say that, it wasn't true. We've broken up months ago and you got the chance to move on and I never had a say, so why should you have a say now? Sean now you know exactly how I felt every time you pushed a girl in my face. Sucks doesn't it?"

"Em. You aren't listening. I _love_ you."

"No you don't." Emma shook her head in utter disbelief. "You're only saying it because you can't have me. I think I have you figured out, you like the chase and that's it. You had me, I loved you and I wanted to work things out but you wanted to hang out with Jay and his friends Now you can enjoy your life without having to worry about me. I cramped your style, we're nothing alike, and yeah whatever." The bell rang, he was speechless she adjusted her backpack as she started to walk away, "And I got to go."

"Wait!" Sean followed her like some lost puppy dog but she turned around again aggravated.

"Find a new seat far away from me." He had let her slip from his grasp yet again.


	6. Hit the Fan

Chapter Six

Hit the Fan

Amy was slumped sadly during lunch deep in thought. As of late, Amy and Emma frequented a small table in the cafeteria that had two seats, they mostly talked about all kinds of things but today the topic was Sean.

"I don't understand, first he acts like I'm the worst girlfriend in the world and ditches me to hang out with Jay." Emma ranted as she tore a soft pretzel and put it in her mouth, "and then he you know wants to be friends, and that's cool. I'd rather be friends than nothing at all but friends. Let's be real, Amy we were never friends. He saved my ass when he saw me in the ravine when it was raining but aside from that - I thought he was tryna do the right thing."

"Sean knows nothing about the right thing. I mean you could try to point him in the right direction, but it takes a really persistent person to get him to actually do anything." Amy pointed out angrily after she took a sip of her Dr. Pepper.

Emma shrugged, "With me it was really never like that, unless he was putting himself down. But things changed after he started hanging with Jay." she really seemed to find it odd that Amy had so much to say on Sean, "I guess you and Sean were pretty acquainted."

"Yeah I guess you could say that." Amy said glumly before adding, "I mean I always felt like I was. . . I don't know - second best? Like there would always be someone in his life, I mean a girl who he found better. I guess that girl was Ellie but what I think is that girl must've been you."

"Don't be silly. If he really loved me - why would he let me go? Speaking of which, today he got real upset, Ames. He's all, shocked that I was moving on and he told me he loved me. I'm so confused."

"I wouldn't believe him; I don't think he's gotten any in awhile. . . "

"Amy I don't think it's like that, but okay."

"Em, Sean probably wasn't a jerk when he was with you. Look at him now."

"Maybe he's changing again."

"But he said he loved you? He had never said that before, right?" Emma shook her head, Amy smirked light heartedly and sighed, "From what I understand then he started hanging out with the crew and he changed. Who is to say I love you isn't just a way to get in your pants?"

"Amy he's already got in my pants. " Emma stated calmly before looking up at Amy's gaping mouth and blank stare eyes before she shook her head and sighed, "But that is beside the point."

"Look, same here."

"I assumed so since you know him oh so well."

Amy giggled, "Anyway."

"Anyway." Emma lingered, "It's so weird because I had these hopes and these dreams for Sean and I like that he'd somehow take me back and all that but then I figured it wasn't ever going to happen. Now I just feel so stupid for quitting and not believing in it as soon as I started to try to move on because I know for a fact I'm not completely over Sean."

"Sean was your first love of course it's hard to get over something so. . . raw and real. It's like that whole first time type thing with anything really. You'll always remember your very first date, your very first school dance your first kiss those kind of things they're unavoidable because it was new. They were first, they saw you as you started as a young kid to whenever the relationship or whatever died. It's normal, it's something you shouldn't or wouldn't want to forget. It's special, and that's why you _feel_ as though you aren't over Sean."

"I see what your saying, Ames but gosh what a mess, I _feel_ like a mess. I had a great date with Brian, he was absolutely perfect. Like I told you everything like dinner and movie and he brought me flowers, we went stargazing and everything."

"Why do I feel a but coming on?"

"Our date was perfect, _but_ every time there was a silence or something or anything I felt wrong and I thought of Sean. It was like I was like cheating. . cheating is wrong but it also felt right because I like Brian, and he opened up to me a-and everything. Then this morning when Sean brought up the whole moving on thing I said what I said because I wanted to hurt him and make him feel bad when he apologized and I said it was okay but it really wasn't."

The truth is, Amy I love Sean and I dated Brian . . because I don't know. I liked the attention and he's sweet and cute but I don't deserve this. I feel like I'm toying with Brian and I don't want that . . . what should I do?"

"Em for the first time, I really can't help. I've never been there. Every guy I've ever been with was a wam bam thank-you ma'am kind of guy. I've never had the opportunity to have an innocent harmless loving relationship. Sean was a guy I really liked and trusted for awhile but I felt so dirty compared to him, like he was trying to be this. . bad guy and I was already the bad girl. Like I said I always felt second best like his mind was always elsewhere. I can't tell you what to do, Em. Brian could always find a good girl but if you just leave Sean where he's at the only place he's gonna wind up is in jail with the life he's living and you're better than that. You're better than him."

"I always worry that's where he'd end up. I tried protecting him earlier in the school year. I just I love him too." Em sighed wrapping her food up in the paper bag. She barely picked at her cheese sandwich because she mostly ate her pretzel and drank water.

Amy was silent after Emma's confession she just sighed, saying something out of nowhere "Em I just feel so dishonest."

"What do you mean?" Emma raised an eyebrow worriedly.

"I mean you're so honest with me and I feel like I haven't told you everything about me and I want to because you've been such a good friend these days."

"Well thanks but you don't have to if you don't want to."

"I feel as though I need to though, Em."

"Shoot." Emma told Amy.

Amy sighed, there was a slight pause before she began and she avoided Emma's eyes for a moment, "You remember my sister?"

"The pregnant one?"

"Yeah . . . well she really isn't the pregnant one."

Amy just knew Emma's eyes were widening, "So you lied, why?"

"Let me finish." Amy started before finishing stammering, "my sister isn't pregnant I just used her name to cover up the truth. It's me, Emma. I was too ashamed I guess? I'm pregnant and you know why I really don't like Sean? You know in my story the father wanted nothing to do with the baby?" Emma nodded, "Sean wants nothing to do with the baby. In fact he wants me to abort it or somehow get rid of it. We had an argument this morning about it."

"Let me process this. Sean's the father?"

Amy nodded.

"And you know how I feel about abortion, Ames."

"I know. I don't know, I just know I can't raise the baby on my own. . I'm what? Fifteen in two weeks and with child? I told him to use a friggin' condom and we were being drunk and stupid but I wasn't that wasted I remember telling him. . "

"I know . . Ames there's more than one option. I didn't say I forbid you. It's not my body or child. Do what's for you. I had a friend who had gone through a similar thing and she chose abortion. Just whatever you do make sure it's the choice you want to make."

Amy sighed.

"As for Sean. . . I don't know now."

"Em. Don't let how he's treating me influence you - I- I just know he's honest with you."

"How am I supposed to know that, Amy? He could do the same thing to me if I was ever in a boat like yours."

"I suppose your right." Amy took her book bag and her trash with Emma has the bell rang. "You are going to walk with me to Kwan's?"

"Actually cover for me, Ames. I need to make a little bit of a pit-stop." Emma told her friend looking determined as the two girls went their separate ways. Emma took the cafeteria door towards the shop room knowing where Sean would be. Since Sean didn't always have the money for lunch he spends the lunch hour in with Mr. Elh. So when the lunch bell for dismissal rang out he was on his way to Kwan's and Emma was on her way to him.

Emma stepped forward, "So the true colors really come out huh Sean? Does the summer we spent together mean anything to you? You were also the one who said, oh how I love you today when you don't remember any of the things I told you this past summer!"

"Emma what is with you? Calm down." Sean backed up some.

"No! I will never calm down."

"Em, please and slow down. Please stop yelling."

"Remember Sean, if I were an abortion I wouldn't be here! You're the one who is trying to tell Amy to get one. I don't care because I believe it's her choice but Sean how dare you."

"Emma I do love you there's no game there a-and I'm so confused, hurt and angry too! How do you think I feel I found out a week ago I'm about to be a father?! I'm almost sixteen years old!"

"Just because you're angry doesn't mean you got to take out on Amy!"

"Amy is my ex."

"She's also a human being with feelings and she's terrified. ! God damnit, what happened to you?! Where is the Sean I fell in love with?!" Emma's face was red with anger and pain, she just laid it all out on the table her eyes welled up with tears, she caught her breath after a pause or two before adding and "Where is the Sean who last week took me out of the rain? Pregnant with Amy or not, you aren't you. I would've understood, you know? I mean you're _you_. I would've made do if things were different but like it or not Amy's my friend." Emma just looked at a wordless Sean with a scoff, "Sean I mean you've changed . . . you've _really_ changed. You've disappointed me. I thought you changed for the better at first, like last week from months ago when we broke up. I thought you and I could be friends and I thought I was falling for you all over again and this morning gave me the one shred of hope there was left of ever salvaging anything ever again for you!" Emma shouted, she didn't care who heard. She put her whole heart into everything she was telling Sean, but he needed to hear it. "You know when I was on that date with Brian; I couldn't keep my mind off of you? I couldn't even enjoy myself! I tried to not think about you, but all I did was think about not thinking about you. It's why I said that I need to move on."

"Emma please. . . " Sean plead as he was hearing things but unraveling rapidly too soon, "I _do_ love you. Amy isn't you so what does it matter? I love you, I've always loved you! Listen to me," Emma crossed her arms and shook her head in disbelief, "I loved you ever since you asked me to dance at that stupid Starlight Starbright dance and I suffered through that year when we stopped talking when my anger got the best of me! You were the greatest girl in the world to me; I made a mistake this year when I ditched you! I was hoping we could've taken it slow start off as friends too. Please hear me out, you truly, truly are everything to me. Sean stepped closer to Emma at this time sighed shaking his head trying to avoid tears, he had never in his life seen Emma so hurt and yet so strong, "you've stood up for me and you've made me a better person - you really have! You gotta believe me and us. You just gotta believe in us. I know you want to, but you're just so persistent in your own belief. Emma I love you. I'll do something, I'll fix this I promise."

"Amy wants nothing to do with you either. It's too late to help that little thing you've blundered. No Sean. I-" As Sean advanced forward finally Emma began to cry cupping her face in her hands and wiping any remaining tears away. Emma stepped backward with disgust, "Don't follow me. Goodbye." before turning around and walking away. Sean leaned against the nearest locker and sighed. A tear slid down Sean's cheek as he hit the locker with his back.


	7. Realizations and Revelations

Chapter Seven

Realizations and Revelations

"So Sean maybe the Montreal Boys can get us drinks tonight." Jay asked his friends outside of school. Alex and Towerz seemed excited by this but Sean wasn't moved.

"Earth to Sean?" Alex waved her hand over his stoic expression.

Sean silently stood outside of Jay's car with Alex, Towerz and Jay after school. Amy walked by them like they weren't even there they were people she once called friends. Alex was angry, this was her best friend and suddenly she was on the outs. "Eh I think I'm just gonna stay home." He finally replied.

"Hey Amy, how come you don't hang anymore?" Alex decided to call Amy out on this occasion but Sean didn't say anything he just glared straight ahead and it was more and more obvious to him that Sean and Emma were the only people who knew about Amy's secret. "I guess you only talk to Nelson these days."

"We have a project." Amy deflected without making eye contact, "just get off my case."

"I thought _I_ was your best friend." Alex seethed rolling her dark eyes at Amy and her nonsense, "it's like I don't even know you anymore."

"You never really did know me."

"Excuse me? We've been friends since pre-k. Of _course_ I know you." Alex advanced forward assertively. Alex could tell Amy was uncomfortable around Sean, "Sean's our boy don't let you guys stupid breakup break up our friendship."

"What friendship do we even have? It hasn't been us two in years ever since Jay came along it's like -" Amy shook her head realizing what a shit storm she'd start if she got Jay into this mess, "forget it. I've gotta go meet Emma at the library. I'll hang some other time."

"I hope you know when she abandons you, you'll always have us. You're one of us, know your place." Jay mutters with a friendly smirk, Amy wanted to fight that but she just said nothing and a lull of silence fell over the teens.

"Sean got something to say?" Jay asked watching the drama unfold and hungry for more.

Sean spat back in defiance, "No!" He just walked off in a huff and then it was Amy, Jay, Towerz and Amy. Towerz was always silent he just watched Sean leave, "I'm walking home." Amy uncomfortably adjusted her backpack and started to trudge off to the local library. It was in her sobriety she realized Jay, Alex and the rest of the Candy Bandits weren't real friends at all.

Emma waited outside the library and saw Amy, she calmly said, "Hey, glad you made it."

"What did you say to Sean?" Amy inquired.

"When?" Emma asked playing dumb as if she was trying to forget about it. She had really stuck her foot in her mouth this time.

"What did you say?"

"Okay, I freaked out. I blurted everything. I kind of acted like a freak in the hallway by Elh's room."

"What did you say, he looked livid, the look on his face . . . Emma this is bad. I appreciate you sticking up for me, Emma but look it's not how you actually feel about Sean. I was wrong to push the whole Brian thing."

"What do you mean?"

"Like I said don't let how Sean's treating me affect how you see him."

"I meant everything I said but then I said some other stuff, things I can't really take back. I just feel so stupid."

"Oh Em, you just gotta talk to him. You're the only one who can like get through to him."

"I think I said enough today. Hell I forget half the things I say when I'm angry."

"Remind me to never get on your bad side, Nelson." Amy remarked humored by her confession.

"Do you mind if we I don't know cancel today, I got to find a way to get in contact with him and fix this."

"Fine by me. I'll go study then, just give me some of our presentation note cards, I owe you one right?"

Emma dug in the bag and handed them over without a thought, "Right! I'll call you."

Emma needed some liquid courage so she poured herself a glass or two and then two became four. Finally she took a deep breath. She picked up the phone and almost held it backwards.

Emma finally dialed Sean drunkenly slurring into the receiver, "I'm sorry." as she heard the ringing she was hoping he'd answer but instead she caught his answering machine.

' It's Sean, I'm not here right now leave a message at the tone. '

The beep rang she finally left her message, "Sean, it's me Emma. Please listen, I feel bad about earlier, really really bad. The truth is that I love you too, I acted really dumb when I flipped out. I'm sorry and maybe you could come over tonight so we could talk in person. Please? Alright Sean, call me or just come over whatever. Bye."

She hung up and tried again. She sighed and finally spoke, "Sean it's Emma I want you to," she hiccuped in a drunken voice she spoke, "to like forget what I said earlier. I like I overreacted we can do this. I feel like I have a tendency to overreact sometimes and for that I'm sorry. Please answer me. Are you there?" she took a big swig from the bottle of Jack Daniels again, "I need you to hear me out. I made a mistake."

Sean didn't get her messages because he decided to go for a long walk after he left his friends. He didn't want to be at home because he knew damn well he had really fucked up his life. He was hopelessly in love with a girl who he thought hates his guts and he knew her reasons were pretty legit, he had gotten a girl pregnant, he was living alone on a meager budget from there on out he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. There was nothing he could do.

He noticed that he started to smell smoke in the distance and he was kind of scared. Suddenly Sean sprinted down the street to see Emma's house illuminated in flames. Sean gulped fearfully, he didn't have a cell phone. He busted in the house quickly the upstairs the kitchen half of the house was more engulfed. Sure enough he found Emma slumped over in the kitchen. Emma was sleeping soundly hugging her phone tight with one hand, and the bottle of Jack Daniels hanging off the kitchen counter. He quickly shook her. She had managed to accidentally set the house on fire while cooking dangling from her hands was the jug of Jack Daniels.

Her eyes were still closed. He removed the bottle and phone from her hands and placed it on the counter. . Before carefully and quickly lifting her into his arms. She smelled his shirt where her nose was, there was smoke everywhere making it hard to see and hear. When she came to, she was already in Sean's arms she clung to him in terror finally she realized what was happening, "You're here?"

"Yes. I'm here now let's get you out of here."

Sean carefully made his way to the front door with Emma in his hands her arms draped around his neck the landing was on fire she screamed, "Watch out!" he dodged the flames and they jumped down. They were now in the grass safe and sound. She just hugged him and cried. "I'm not fine. You're right you know, you tried to help me and I dismissed you."

"I know. You know you can stay with me if you -"

"I said horrible things to you." Emma felt the need to remind him.

"I don't care what you said. I mean I care but I just - it's okay. I likely deserved it."

"I'm sorry, Sean. You like saved my life it more than makes up for whatever I went off about earlier ... I how did you find me?"

"I smelled the smoke and -"

"Did you get my message?" He was confused he shook his head no, "it doesn't matter but there's something I wanted to tell you."

"And that is?"

"I love you even though everything's falling apart right now. I tried to apologize . . I called you."

Sean looked down at Emma stroking her cheek, "You called?"

Emma nodded. She was now sitting in his lap on the grass in front of her burning home, her arms around him still, her eyes welling tears, "Yeah."

"What did you say?"

"It doesn't matter anymore." Emma sighed, "I'm sorry about earlier."

"Don't worry about it." Sean said with his finger wiping Emma's tears.

"I-I love you." She whispered.

"Em, I love you too." With the same hand he used to wipe her tears he cupped her face in his hands and leaned in to kiss her before pulling away. They looked at one another and kissed once again.


	8. Our House

Chapter 9

Our House

In the hours that passed they made a dash to their neighbor, JT's grandmother's house to call about the fire and let her parents know she made it out safe. It was as barrage of emergency vehicles, questions and then finally Spike came home and allowed her to stay at Sean's for the remainder of the school year until they found somewhere suitable to live and get back on their feet. Emma thought her mother would be furious with her when she tried to explain how the fire started, instead she was just thankful she wasn't burned or worse. She just hugged her saying over and over again thank goodness that she was okay. Snake had to stay overnight at the hospital. Nothing was salvageable Emma literally had nothing to bring to Sean's but she was lucky to be alive. The only thing she had was her pocket diary that was in her nightshirt pocket. At Sean's Emma was silent at first, Sean gave her a towel from his linen closet and took some sweats out of his drawer, "You can take a shower and change into these."

"Thank you." Emma told him solemnly as she took the sweats and went inside his bathroom and got inside the shower. When she emerged Sean was sitting on the couch watching television on the fuzzy tv. She wanted to talk about what happened but it was late and she was tired after the shower. Were they back together? Kind of? She wanted more clarity.

"Hey." She simply said as she advanced toward him in the sweats, "about what happened outside my house -"

"When we kissed?"

She nodded, "What does this all mean?"

"I guess it means we're together again?"

"I wish it were that simple." She replied with a grimace, "I don't want to repeat the missteps of our past, y'kno? I want to make sure we're on the same page. I want to make sure we're happy, you're happy. I have to talk to Brian, I've been kind of dodging him and -"

"I get it."

"Are you sure?" Emma asked rather seriously.

\- x -

Emma couldn't sleep that night, she kept tossing and turning in an unfamiliar bed. She kept thinking about Sean how he saved her life, how she loves him and he loves her and how is she going to break the news to Brian that she and Sean are getting back together.

Morning came and Emma was at her locker messing with her combination to open it and she felt someone behind her covering her eyes, "Guess who?"

It was Brian and it was time to face the music. "Hey." Emma faked a smile.

"How you been, stranger?" He noticed her wearing mens sweatpants and a teeshirt, "are you doing alright? I heard about the fire."

Emma turned around and was solemn. She decided she was just going to tell him the truth."I'm in a bit of shock to be honest with you. I don't want to talk about it."

"That's fair. It's just a little bit weird we go on this date and all and I never see you after, would you like me to take you out Saturday?"

"Brian, you're a great guy I'm just not sure if that's such a good idea."

"You don't want to. I get it. You're not over that ex of yours and honestly Emma I'm looking out for you by saying this but, he's slime. He knocked up my cousin and he stole a lot of shit around campus and you know that stuff and yet you're going to for him."

"I just -"

"See you around I guess." He said dismissively as she walked away from her. She didn't call for him to come back because she didn't want to. She just went back to what she was doing at her locker.

It wasn't long before Amy came over in her hands was all the stuff they had worked on both separately and alone for the poetry project, "I got a shitton done last night. I think we're presenting the research, are you alright?"

"I will be." Emma faked a smile but inside she was a mess. Between Sean and her working on getting back together, the fire, Brian's smug attitude and all the other stressors in her life she hadn't exactly thought about anything. "I don't know what you heard but there was a fire last night."

"Oh my God, that was your house?" Amy dropped the stuff on the hallway floor and pulled Emma into a hug. Emma hesitated before hugging her back.

"I'm alive, Sean's quick thinking saved my life."

"What's Sean got to do with that?"

"I tried calling him last night, next thing I remember the house is engulfed in flames and he's carrying me out."

"Thank goodness you're okay. Jack was with mom and Snake was at the hospital late. When I got in touch with them they were just happy to hear I got out in time and now I've moved in with Sean and he's been really great to me. It's not an easy adjustment but I'm thinking about getting a job to support us and -"

"Slow down living in sin with your boyfriend huh?"

"Slow down we haven't had that talk yet."

"I'm going to skip second so I can bring you some clothes."

"Thanks." Emma smiled, it wasn't that she didn't like the sweatpants and such Sean gave her to wear its just not feminine and she was happy to get into real girls clothes. The bell rang and they went to class. It was then Emma realized things were off. Sean was happy to see Emma in english class he was usually not one for punctuality or even appearing there but he knew it was a class they had in common. They were seated somewhat close to each other because those were together at the beginning of the year and the seats just remained unchanged. Amy sat behind Emma and traded with Manny after their fall out who continuously kept looking at Emma with concern. She heard some whispers and such but she ignored them.

She just wanted the day to be over Ms. Kwan took her aside after class and told her she's going to be very forgiving about her grade given the circumstances of he fire. Emma would normally fight something like this but all she came to say was, thanks.

Sean waited for her at the door but as they walked past Emma's locker it was spray painted with black spray in big letters SLUT. She shook her head in surprise, "Who would do this?" She ran into the bathroom and cried. Sean went to the office because he couldn't follow her there. Amy found Emma and consoled her though. "I know who did it the locker thing, if I know him like I know him my cousin doesn't take well to uh rejection and there're more. He started a rumor about you. I don't know the details but I'm going to go to bat for you."

"He's family."

"Who cares he's wrong." Amy said leaning against the stall as Emma was crying inside. "If I know anything about family sometimes blood doesn't always mean they have your back. Look at my sister and me. Getting back to you, I know whatever it is isn't true I know it's bad and it sounds bad but you Emma, you've shown me nothing but kindness."

"I deserve it."

"Emma, no you don't, you did nothing wrong. You're just falling in love with Sean and you didn't like my cousin it doesn't mean you deserve to be treated like that all because Brian is being a pussy baby who didn't get to have you."

"How do you know?"

"Because girls like Emma Nelson don't sleep with guys on the first date."

"You're right." She managed a laugh.

"What do we say we get you cleaned up and we skip second and get you dressed, huh?"


	9. We Got Nothing

Chapter Nine

We Got Nothing

Quietly they walk into Amy's trailer the odor of cigarettes was strong. It wasn't clean in the living room, bottles and beer cans were strewn about the side tables and next to the couches next to the ashtray that hadn't been cleared out in days. The tv was on and her nephew was wandering around the living room while her sister laid on the brown couch passed out. Toys were everywhere. They quietly go into Amy's room was clean compared to the living room and kitchen.

Amy pulled out a few shirts and a few pairs of pants, and whispered, "Try these on in the bathroom, I surely don't fit 'em anymore."

Emma smiled and told her, "Thanks for doing this."

"No biggie. Just be quiet okay?"

She wordlessly entered the bathroom and changed, but then her dad came home unexpected. He woke up her sister as he slammed the door, "Well if it isn't mother of the year sleeping the day away. Watch your kid!" The toddler started crying and ran to Amy's sister who comforted him.

Her sister rubbed her eyes visibly shaken as he criticized her. "I tell you to clean while I work my ass off while your good for nothing sister does squat and goes to school I work so hard for you ungrateful kids and this is the thanks I get for putting a roof over your heads!" Amy knew she had to get out of there and think fast.

"Emma let's go." Amy quietly knocked and whispered, "just quick before my dad finds out we skipped."

It was too late her dad stormed in, "And you," He said with more anger than he did toward her sister, "you're the biggest disappointment."

"Dad it was an emergency."

"Two weeks grounded."

"Let me explain . . "

"If I see you or find out you're skipping again I'll pull your ass out of degrassi. Your grades are abysmal anyway. You disgust me, both you and your sister. Slut just like your mother."

Amy was visibly upset by his cruel words but this was customary in the house. Emma left the bathroom with the clothes as they both left to head back to school. On the way home they were pretty quiet. Emma couldn't believe he spoke to his kids that way and while she wanted to say something she came up with nothing. In the silence though Amy said, "When I graduate I'm skipping town. I'm not gonna be like my sister and stay. I put up with it because I know I'm out in a few years. Sayonara."

Emma offered a sympathetic word, "I'm sorry."

"It is what it is, he's an alcoholic," She said as they reached the back entrance and then Amy went to class to avoid another tongue lashing from her dad.

Emma felt guilty because while she was in the bathroom she drank while trying on clothing. If she wasn't faster she could've bypassed that entire exchange. In the empty halls, Emma was sitting at her locker with her notebook dressed Amy's clothes glumly at lunchtime. She didn't want to go to the cafeteria because everyone would be looking at her. Mr. Raditch walked by and saw slur on her locker and sighed, "Ms. Nelson I'll find who did that to your locker and they will be punished severely. I've been pulling kids out of class asking what anyone knows. I'll get to the bottom of this."

All she could say is, "Thank-you." before he walked away from her. Even when he could see she was visibly shaken and upset he was as far as people go very cold.

Manny walked by and noticed Emma crying at her locker after the exchange, "Emma, I heard about the fire and your locker and I just wanted you to know I'm here for you if you need anything. I know we haven't been the best of friends lately..."

Emma didn't say anything but simply nodded in understanding, before finally remarking, "How have you been since . . . well you know?"

"A bit better, some days are easier some days are harder. What can you do?"

"Yeah." She smirked looking up from her journal, "my life is so complicated."

"What's been going on?"

"You want to know?"

"I asked didn't I?"

"I was on a date with this guy last week and like, I really thought I could simply get over Sean. And then he hits me with the fact he wanted to try again and get back together and because I love him I want to. There's no question. We had a stupid argument and I was drinking and the house went up in flames. I've been drinking alot. In fact I'm a little bit tipsy right now. I found some bottle that belongs to Tracker to get through the day because now I live with Sean because of this. He doesn't know about the bottle which I polished off in Amy's bathroom when she took me to her house who is pregnant with Sean's baby."

"So you're friends with Amy now?"

She nodded, "She's been really great and all, when I had nothing and nobody but some hoodies and sweats she was there for me. When her cousin defaced my locker, she comforted me. I helped her today too. I don't want to get into that because it was rough" Emma then laid into Manny thick as her tone changed, "She supports me emotionally. The break up with Sean had been really difficult for me and where were you? What do you do? You push me onto this Chris guy, right into the cyclone of whatever. And then I don't know, she doesn't abandon me for some guy at a rave or hooks up with other girls boyfriends. She's not like that. She's been the best friend I never had."

Manny's face fell.

"Ouch Em, I'm trying to make amends here."

"For the first time, I don't believe you. For the first time we've got something in common we've got _nothing_. You're so not who I thought you were."

"Emma!" Manny called to her as she ran away.


End file.
